I don’t think anything will prepare you for finding out you have cancer. There are probably more TV adverts, posters, flyers and fundraisers about cancer than anything else right now and yet we still don’t know enough about it. I am a prime example of this - I buried my head in the sand because I thought “it will never happen to me”. Well talk about being completely wiped off my feet! Yet even though I’m more educated on it now, I still struggle to watch the adverts. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. If you do know anyone that has to endure chemotherapy or any other sort of treatment, even the smallest gesture is appreciated. Send that message, make that phone call, pick up a box of chocolates when you’re in the supermarket. Make them feel so loved because that mountain is steep and the smallest of encouragements helps with the climb. It’s easy to say “oh I really should message them” or “I would love to pop in and see them” but actually doing it is harder. It doesn’t have to be a gift, just encourage and let them know you’re there for them. I read every message and bible verse that was given to me. I was desperate to hear God’s voice and I’d take it any way it was given. I was so encouraged and uplifted knowing so many people cared.
At Weston Park, I was either on ward 3, which I was on when I first arrived, and at first impressions (straight after leaving my family back in Wales and not knowing what tomorrow will bring) it was pretty amazing! Everyone was so lovely. But the majority of the time I was on the Teenage Cancer Trust Unit (TCU) because I was under 30. This was an amazing ward. The rooms were cosier, it had its own kitchen so you could make a cup of coffee without having to worry about putting any staff out - especially when visitors came. It also had a day room with sofas, a TV and loads of toys for Wesley to play with. As if I didn’t see him enough when he came, then all he wanted to do was play with toys! As long as he was happy, then so was I and he was just that. He was oblivious of what was going on, the hospital was an adventure to him and it was exciting.
It was so good being on here, especially as during the chemotherapy as I went off so much food, so I took ready meals a few times. I never thought I’d ever go off food but I found myself living off toast, or plain pasta with a bit of cheese. I’ll elaborate more on side effects another time but I will share the biggest disappointment - with one of the types of chemotherapy I was on, I got terrible mouth ulcers and couldn’t even eat chocolate sometimes! It was heart breaking.
There was a lovely lady called Diane on TCU, who used to bring my breakfast and lunch. She was definitely a day brightener! She would give me a big hug every morning and make sure she said goodbye before she left. She always came and chatted to me, not about cancer or sickness, just about weekend plans and the kids - she really helped me feel normal even if it was just for a brief moment.
So many people travelled to visit me whilst I was there, from overnight stays, to flying 20 minutes. Either way - every minute meant so much to me. Some even came just to help look after Wesley. I won’t even go into a list of who visited (because it’s a long list!) but I hope they all know how much it meant. I honestly had no idea how loved I was before this. Sickness is such a strange one, we wait until the world is crumbling under our feet to show someone how much we care for them - when the bible teaches us to do the complete opposite! We should love each other unconditionally all the time and not that hidden love we only show at dark times. I don’t think anything else will teach me a bigger life lesson than this.
Whilst in Weston Park, I was in my own little bubble. I had no idea about anything going on around me. I’m usually such a control freak and have to know everything - I was the complete opposite at this point. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was that I couldn’t get my brain to work like it usually does. Every day new information was given, new things were happening, it was as if I just floated through the days like a cloud. Yet in the background everyone was running around for me and the kids. I’m still baffled by everyone’s goodness - Anna (same friend who found the holiday cottage) - In fact I’ll briefly describe Anna for you, so you have a better idea of how lucky I am to have her in my life....Anna, my God filled, kind hearted, joyful natured, fierce warrior friend…yes, I’m THAT lucky, as is anyone else that gets to have her in their lives. Anyway, she knocked on our door the day before Luke and the family left to go to the cottage, with a care package filled with milk for the baby and essential bits as well as an advent calendar for Wesley! He took it with him to Sheffield so he didn’t miss any days! Dane and Mel, Luke’s Brother and Sister in Law and his cousin Sammie all chipped in and filled our fridge, freezer and cupboards with food for when we got back home. Another very special couple from church delivered a bag full of goodies for us to enjoy over Christmas. We had our house cleaned, clothes washed, Christmas decorations put up (that’s up into the loft…twice, I didn't even rearrange one bauble that’s how good it was, Amy and Rhi-you’re amazing), we had our front gate fixed after was destroyed in a storm, and this is only a tip of the iceberg. I wish I could thank everyone.
I can’t say I was positive all the time, I’m only human like the rest of us and I had my wobbles. They usually ended up in a teary call to Luke and I’d cry until he motivated me to get back up and be a warrior and continue to fight this battle. He was my hero throughout all of this. Since the sciatic pain started, I think some nerves have been damaged as certain patches are numb from my waist to my feet. Thankfully its not half as bad as what it was. In the beginning I even had to have a catheter because of it. I couldn’t even pee properly, I mean-come on! I felt broken! I remember one night I woke in a sweat from head to toe (one of the side effects from the chemo), leaning over the side of the bed, struggling to stand. I was hooked up from the Hickman line so couldn’t change on my own and there was a male night staff on shift. I had a complete meltdown, my anxiety rose and I cried for a female member of staff to come and help me change my jarmies and the bedding then I cried until they let Luke come back to the hospital. I dread to think how he felt when I called in tears asking him to come back. At the time, in that moment, it felt like the world was collapsing under my feet, and that was only my first lot of treatment! Oh how I’m glad the future is unexpected, as it got harder from then on! If I knew how bad it was going get (or actually listened to the doctors telling me how bad it was going to get) then I think there would have been a lot more tears!
Sat here looking back now, it seems unreal. I have no idea how or why this happened, but I stand on God’s promise for me “This sickness is not unto death, but for the Glory of God.” Since we joined our current Church, we haven’t been heavily involved other than on the occasion Luke would play the piano in the worship band. I’ve quite liked being able to just sit in the middle of the congregation and just absorb the atmosphere and not have to worry about anything (well other than juggle two children!). We fluttered in and out of church inconsistently.
I’ve put some of the bible verses below that were (and still are) important to us throughout this valley. During these 3 weeks I felt every emotion possible. Sadness, anxiety, worry, dread, fear, anger. But in a valley of the shadow of death, I knew it was only a shadow as light was always with me. I was on my little cloud as everything went round as a blur, when Luke and the family picked up all of the pieces, which I am forever grateful for. We all experienced this traumatic time differently yet God remained the same throughout it all. And I firmly believe I’m closer to Him because of it. The devil tries to destroy but he will not win.
I know I’ve spoken a lot about my spiritual ‘quest’ I suppose you can call it, but it’s what has gotten me through it. I never really felt called to anything in church before. I did as much as I could and gave everything to it, but can’t say I had a ‘calling’ to a specific area. I’m not saying now I’ve been given a calling and daren’t say I don’t want one, but I do feel that I’ve been given this path to release something. I’ve drawn closer to God, which I guess it could have gone either way in this situation. But there is definitely a desire or passion for something in the future. This sickness wasn’t God given but he’s provided me (us) with a different perspective on life now and had extended our knowledge to help ourselves and others. Every situation will be dealt differently by two different people. But it’s up to you how you deal with it. In my case I had to be positive, because God’s purpose for me has always been for good. And I was blessed to have a cure for my cancer. As I walked through ward 3 when I was having a bad day, it changed my perspective. The people on that ward had a different diagnosis to me and may not have as good of an outcome. So I prayed walking through. For the patients and the staff - as I said at the beginning. There are incredible - the unsung heroes.
1 John 5:14
Philippians 1:6
Exodus 14:14
Romans 8:37
Ephesians 2:8-9
Nahum 1:7
Ecclesiastes 11:5
Zephaniah 3:17
John 16:33